Mattox Live

It’s Holy Saturday. I’m not with my parents. I don’t have plans to go to church tonight. I’m sitting at my kitchen table, drinking coffee and planning out a virtual Aggie Muster.

Everything is so different right now. I no longer go grocery shopping. I opt for curbside pick-up or delivery options. I suppose I’ll go pick up a couple of prescriptions later today, and it’ll be the first time I’ve been inside a store in weeks.

I should be in Texas, helping finish tax season. Instead the deadline has been pushed to July.

I wear a mask everywhere I go now, and I found myself posting a photo yesterday about how cute I felt in my new mask. I felt CUTE. In a MASK. As I was headed out to deliver beer to people’s houses.

I’m terrified of getting sick with this virus. I’m terrified of both me and my husband getting sick. Even more scared of my parents getting it. Absolutely petrified of the thought of my nephew getting it. All we can do is be as careful as we can, and we aren’t meant to live in fear. And yet there’s the never-ending fear in my mind of this virus.

I’m heartbroken, as well, for all those who are sick. My heart absolutely broken in a million pieces with news of Joe Diffie’s passing from the virus. My mind still hasn’t wrapped itself around that fact.

However, on the other end of the spectrum I find myself more thankful for little things these days. I pray a lot more, too. I have actually been in better touch with friends and family than I have been in a long time. My husband is home for months. And when I say he’s at home… he stays HOME other than to go out on his motorcycle now and then. I can’t say we haven’t had some disagreements, because we have. We aren’t used to so much time together! But we are also growing closer from it, each of us the other’s sanity.

I’m thankful for a job that lets me keep working. In a way, my regular schedule hasn’t changed much. I go into work a little earlier and get home a little earlier. But my daily schedule is pretty close to normal. And it means I still have some income coming in… which allows me to still pay my bills and keep food on the table. I’m thankful. So thankful.

So far, 2020 has been a hot mess of a year, and I keep thinking about how we are living times that will be written about in history books some day. These are strange and momentous times. And we will never again go back to what was normal before. We will simply create a new normal.

I feel anger. I feel sadness. I am grieving life as it was. But as is with all grief, I find myself seeking out hope and faith. I’m grasping it with both hands and letting it lead me through this. Hope that things will somehow be better after we get through this. And faith that we will find our way out. Faith that there is a greater plan and purpose. Faith in our scientists and medical staffs. Faith in my fellow people to pull together and support one another. Faith that LOVE will always win… Faith that this Easter will mean even more to us all.